A thought on Valentine's Day

By: Ellie Cherubini

Valentine's Day |www.whatkumquat.com…and that thought is “ugh”. Which is probably as eloquent a thought as can be expected given the generally devoid-of-emotion content prevalent on WhatKumquat.
“Ugh” is an emotion. What’s more, it’s my most-used emotion. It symbolizes deep feelings of disdain towards the subject at hand, typically masked by an attempt to seem nonchalant about it.
For example, ugh, I really wanted that last piece of pizza but Terry ate it means I don’t want to make a scene over pizza, but Terry if you pull that shit one more time, so help me God I will punch you in the face. And then steal your pizza. 
Ugh, I really need to go to the gym means I absolutely do not want to go to the gym. An hour-long Brazilian wax or being trapped in an elevator with Donald Trump would be preferable to going to the gym, but if I don’t start exercising soon there is a very real chance I will keel over and die the next time I attempt walking up two flights of stairs.
And most relevant to this article, ugh, Valentine’s Day generally means I am so single. So so so so single. And I’m generally ok with it except for this ONE DAY of the year where I am made to feel like shit because of all the couple Instagrams, “dinner for two” restaurant deals, and that one time the cashier at Target reacted like I had said I hate Beyoncé when I cheerfully replied the two bags of heart-shaped chocolates were just for me. Initial shock, followed by concern, and topped off with a judgmental “good luck”. 
I know that as a single female, you are supposed to either a) pretend you don’t care about all the systemized single-shaming that runs rampant this time of year or b) wallow and become a stereotype for our gender #feminism. But, ugh. I’m tired of doing the former, and the only time you’ll ever catch me being sad is if/when the pizza delivery time exceeds 35 minutes or I listen to a particularly moving Adele song (IT WAS ONE TIME).
So this year, I will be indulging in a healthy bit of indifference and completely ignoring the holiday altogether.
These are my new & improved Valentine’s Day Resolutions (like New Year’s Resolutions, but better because the time commitment is only a day long):
  1. No “Galentine’s” dates. Life is not a Katherine Heigl movie.
  2. No people watching at bars. While it is undeniably fun to watch groups of desperate single people try and attract the opposite sex with the discretion of Kanye West on a Twitter rant, my time would probably be better spent doing other (slightly less bitchy) things.
  3. No wearing pink. This is not something I tend to do anyway given my penchant for dressing like I’m attending a constant funeral, but I thought I’d throw it in there in case I get a sudden urge to wear pink chiffon in a last-ditch attempt to be festive. It could happen to anyone.
  4. No posting about “Singles Awareness Day”. I’ve personally never done this but thought I would include it as a PSA to the general public because the only thing more annoying than a SAD (I believe that acronym is intentional) post on Facebook is the 10102201 Snapchats of one’s puppy received during Christmas break.
Feel free to join in.
Oh, and if you are an elderly family member/acquaintance of mine who, against all odds, has managed to figure out the internet and found this blog in the hopes of discovering more about my personal life and impending nuptials, kindly direct your attention here.
Peace n blessings.
dont touch me



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